Tabula Rasa
by peasblossom13
Summary: How did James and Lily MEET? What has happened in their pasts that would effect thier relationship? Why would you want to transfigure a piece of string into a shower head? R&R to find out! LAST CHAPTER IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

Lily was just about to go through the platform when someone grabbed her arm. It was her mother.

"Now just because your mad at your sister doesn't mean you need to be mad at me and your father." Lily's mother said in that Mother-ly way.

"I'm not mom, I'm sorry. It's just – "

"Your father didn't want to work today, but he said goodbye before he left. And your sister… well, petunia just…"

"Mom, I wish she could come to Hogwarts with me, I really do! She would love it so much, I know she would. I just don't know what I've done wrong. You would tell me if I've done something wrong right? Why does she have to be so mean?"

"She's just… confused that's all. She loves you, and you know it. I love you too, but you better get going! It's nearly time."

Lily gave her mom a hug and with that and a couple tears, she went through platform 9 and ¾ for her fifth year at Hogwarts- all the while her mothers voice ringing through her ears as what she had whispered to her as they gave their last hug: Not everything can be a fairy tale Lily, nobody is perfect.

The first person she saw as she stepped into the platform was him...

"Remus!" Said Lily with a big smile on her face. Look happy! Maybe it will start off good. " Evidentially, we are going to be Prefects together! I um, look forward to working with you!"

"And I you, Lily!" Remus replied, shaking her hand. "Do you wanna sit with us on the train?" he pointed back to a group of boys standing off to the side, apparently trying to make the steam coming from the engine look pink.

"Oh!" Actually she couldn't think of anything she would like to do less. "Um, thanks, but I'm supposed to meet up with some people."

"That's cool. See you later!" he touched his hand to his forehead captain style, which Lily took as a goodbye wave and she walked onto the train and down the hallway. Well, he wasn't so bad. Maybe it's just his friends who are the trouble makers. But I definitely don't want to spend my whole ride to Hogwarts in the same cabin as them… I might get hexed to death.

Lily found her friends, thankfully, in the first cabin she looked in. There was Alice Shortt and Jessica Vane, both her friends since her first year. To her surprise, the cabin was almost full with about five other giggling girls.

" OH MY GOD, LILY!" And then a loud screech followed. It came from Jessica. "I've missed you so much!"

"Sit down, how are you?" Alice said.

Lily was somewhat over whelmed, but still happy to see them. "I'm great, how are you, er… all?

"Oh, we're just fine," replied Alice and then introduced her to almost half a dozen girls who she immediately forgot the names of right afterwards. Lily took the seat next to the window on the left hand side. She was completely squished.

"Sooooo, anybody see any hot first years getting on the train?" said one of the girls while twirling her hair.

"Oh my god!" said another, "gross, they're little first years!"

"Doesn't mean they can't be hot!" Said Jessica. Apparently that was funny.

To make a long story short, the entire train ride went on this way. Lily couldn't remember a time when she had been around more giggling annoying girls than this.

"No way!" said one. "Sirius is WAY more good looking than James."

After about an hour of this Lily was about to pull her hair out. It wouldn't be so bad if the conversation lasted about 15 minutes. She could tolerate that. But an hour at least must have gone by, and they wouldn't stop talking about the same. Two. Boys.

"What do you think Lily?" said Alice.

"Oh me!" she said in obvious fake interest. " Is that what we've been doing? Sharing what we think? Oh, well in that case, I think none of us here really think at all, do we? I mean, considering the topic hasn't moved from discussing the opposite sex since we left the station."

There was a pause.

Lily had read somewhere that teenagers laugh when they are uncomfortable with a situation. That must have been the case, because for some reason the whole group thought her outburst was very amusing.

"Oh, Lily you're a laugh, you really are!"  
"Really who do you think? Remus or James?"  
" Oh, yes. Dooo tell!" said another feigning interest.

"I really couldn't say. I haven't met either of them." She replied. " from what I've heard, they are quite obnoxious…"

"Oh, well we must introduce you to them, shouldn't we? If you haven't met them before, that is."

" I look forward to it." Said lily in plain sarcasm.

_Not everything can be as it seems,  
Not everything can be as what are in your dreams.  
Things are not always perfect, as much as we wish them to be.  
But the only thing that matters is you, us and we. _

Don't part with your illusions,  
But keep reality in sight.  
Life comes but once, and things might not turn out as you will,  
But if you believe, things will turn out right.

That was part of the sorting hats song- the part that stuck in Lily's head the most. How weird, She thought. When Lily was eleven and had got her invitation letter to Hogwarts, she believed, for a whole bright and shining afternoon, that everything was right in the world. That is, until Petunia came home. Once her sister heard the news, the household was nothing but chaos for the next week until Lily left - and possibly after. Petunia had locked herself in her room for days, refusing to eat or even speak until their parents told her that Lily couldn't go to ' that freak-ish witch school'. As you could imagine, this was hard on her parents, too. They wanted to congratulate their daughter on being accepted, but most of their attention had to go to trying to get their other daughter out of her room and actually eat something for the first time in two days. (Lily was convinced that she snuck down after dark to the kitchen, but had no way to prove it.)

For awhile, it look to Lily as if she would end up not going to Hogwarts. But she couldn't stop thinking about that one afternoon where everything was right in the world. It was so perfect…she thought. Can it ever be that way again…?

Lily's parents forced Petunia out of her room to escort her to the station the day she left. Throughout the whole car ride, Lily could hear her sister hissing to her: " Freak… witch freak!" just quiet enough so the parents couldn't hear. And finally, towards the end of the ride: " you know, I thought this whole thing was a bad idea, but now that I think about it… it means I get to be rid of you for a whole year!" Lily wanted to cry, but she stood strong.  
" You're right!" she replied. " Its not so bad. I mean, now when I get back from school I can set spells off on you any time I want!"

She walked onto the platform with not so much as a wave from her sister. She was now in her fifth year, and Petunias meanness still affected her. She was living proof that life couldn't be a fairly tale.

"Lily must be day dreaming!" It came from Jessica.

"Ohhh, about who?" said Alice. And they giggled their way up from the table and down to the great hall.

This is going to be an interesting year, she thought. And got up to follow them.

The next morning was the first class- history of magic.

"Great first class of the year, dont you think?" sahe asked her Hufflepuff friend, Emily Bones.

"Well, at least we might get some sleep if we sit in the back..." she replied as they walked through the door into the class room. As soon as Lily entered she ran into a boy apparantly trying to catch a fanged frisbee.

"Excuse me, Madmoiselle!" He said as he bowed and stepped to the side with one arm out making the way for her to pass.

"HEY POTTER!" cried one of his friends. " how is it that you have perfect reflexes in the _air_ on a _broomstick_ , but not around the ladies...?"

"shut it, sirius!"  
and they both made their way to thier seats as Professor Hobbs walked in. he started the class right away.

"Let's reveiw the summer reading shall we? The Giant Revolution. Two main groups fighting for rights over the 'lesser race'. Who can remember the names of those two groups?" started Hobbs.

"The idiots, and the sane people…?" Blurted Sirius. The class exploded.

"aha, yes!" said Hobbs, "But which were sane, and which were wrong? The revolutionaries were for Giant freedom… and the … anyone…? The Maurders –there's your second group- wanted control over the giants. But who was right? Lily?

She was lucky. This was a topic she felt strongly about.  
"I think the Pro- freedom group was correct in their beliefs. The Mauders wanted the Giants as slaves, just because they thought they were less intelligent."

"Okay," replied Hobbs. "Do I hear a rebuttle?"

there was a silence in the room for a couple of moments, which let Lily believe that she had made a good point. But then, from the other side of the room she heard whispers.

"Do it!"

"Yeah, c'mon, James!"

"I disagree!" Cried the same boy rather confidentially she had just ran into while trying to get to her seat.

OH! So this was the famous duo! The two the girls were talking about on the train. She had seen them in the common room and sitting in the back of the classroom sometimes, but she didn't know that one was James Potter, the famous Seeker, and the other, Sirius Black, the infamous trouble maker. The same trouble makers that were friends with Remus. She didn't have time to dwell on these facts, Potter was already making his rebuttle.

"I think that the Maurders had every right to take over the Giants. It's clear that they are stupid. I mean, come on, they live in the mountains for Peet's sake!"

"Oh, yes" shot in Remus, "_Awful_ living space I'm told!" The boy next to him nearly fell out of his chair.

"Mind you," Lily said. "They've only had to move to the mountains because the Maurders practically scared them away."

"And a good thing, too! Downright awful things to look at on a day- to- day basis!" Proclaimed Potter. The class exploded with laughter again. "Anyways, I cant see why we can't get free reign over a lesser race... Case closed then…"

"Not quite!" interrupted Lily. "We've forgot my closing statement! Just because someone thinks they are better than everybody else, doesn't mean they get free reign over everything. Just because people live differently than you do, or are in a different _grade_ than you, Potter, doesn't mean you have the right to treat them like scum. The giant race and those first years you put hexes on in the hall have rights and feelings, too. But of course, everyone is inferior to _you_, isn't that right?" She was standing up by now and felt the weird high she got when she was engaged in battle.

"Wow!" potter replied. "Lily, is it? Don't hurt yourself, sweetie. We were generous enough to give you a closing statement, not a closing _speech_, okie dokie?" the class took off on this one, too.

"okay, that's enough of that!" interrupted Hobbs. "next review topic- the Levitation Proclamation…"

But Lily couldn't focus. There was still getting over the high she got when debating with someone. Apparently the Potter boy couldn't focus either. She felt his eyes on her back, but refused to turn around and see if she was right.

What seemed like a lifetime later Lily got up from her seat and as she made her way toward the door, she heard Sirius say: "So, whaddya say, Jamsie? She we refer to ourselves as The Mauder's from now on?… James!"

But he didn't answer.

_No  
Not _


	2. Chapter 2

JAMES POV:

_I really do think that Giants should have rights… really, what the hell do I care for? That was ages ago!_

He couldn't get what happened in History out of his head.

_And honestly! I don't pick on first years that much! Most of the time they just put themselves right out there! It's like they're asking to be hexed!_

"Oy! James! You look ever- so- deep in thought, and as much as I hate to interrupt this once in a lifetime moment… I'M STARVED! Can we get to lunch _please_!" James saw a group of 3rd years giggling off to the side of the hall.

_Can't go five minutes without some girls attention, can you Sirius?_

"Uh, yeah, you go… I have to run by the common room. Just to get some books and stuff." He ruffles his hair, which got an, if not equal, better reaction form the girls across the way than Sirius had. He made his way toward the common room.

"Yeah, okay!" Lupin called after him, "Just don't hex any first years on the way there! They might form a group defending their rights!" And then they walked toward their lunch. And James went to have a talk with an Alice Shortt.

James walked into the Great Hall and started toward where he and his friends ate- a little less than half way down the table. Then he saw that he immediately had two choices. At the far end of the table was a head full of red.

Maybe I can make it passed them unnoticed…?

"Hey, James-ie!" called Peter, trying desperately to sound like Sirius. Then with a mouth full of mashed potatoes he called, "Whereyagoin'?" Sirius and Remus looked up. But James made his way, head held high, eyes unfaultered, pretending he couldn't hear his friends.

He sat down across from Lily and two other girls to her right and left. He was surprised to see Alice as one of them. He meant his first words to be toward Lily, and for them to just be a quick apology, but he felt the need to remind Alice of what they had just been talking about not even five minutes before.

"Alice, how'd you get down here so fast?" he said quietly and tried to fit in a casual wink at the end.

"Oh!" she responded, "I took the short cut next to the tapestry across from the fat lady." Her face was unreadable. He turned his head to look at Lily who looked rather puzzled.

"So!" he started, "Play any good Quidditch lately?" pause. Apparently the two girls thought this was funny. Lily did not.

"Why do I suddenly find myself sitting next to a group of under- average- intelligent losers?" Lily asked aloud through the laughs staring at the salad bowl.

"Er, Lily- listen! I just wanted to apologize for what happened in Hobbs class today."

"Is that so?" she replied.

"I think um… I mean, I don't believe in slavery! Like- at all! I completely agree with you… like… 100 percent. I basically just went against you because, well, they dared me to. My friends that is- my friends dared me. Well, mainly Remus. But that's only because well, he knows how smart you are, and I didn't. Er- well, now I know. But he knew I didn't know then, so he decided to sort of… trick me in a way… I guess." Idiot, idiot, idiot!

"So let me get this straight…" she started. "You want to apologize for something you've done… you regret doing what your friends told you to do… you wish you hadn't drawn attention to yourself in the middle of class…?" she turned to Jessica. "Either way you say it, it just sounds weird."

He looked down at his plate.

"However…" She went on, "It's okay. I accept your apology. Besides it was kind of fun, right?" She smiled.

Alice interrupted. "OHHHH! How sweet! And what's even more sweet is if you go up and look on your bed, lily an-"

_I told her not to tell!_

"OWW" Lily cried.

"Oh, bloody hell…" he was trying to kick Alice under the table- evidentially, he kicked Lily instead.

"God, Potter! What the hell is your problem!" she stood up.

"Lily, I'm sorry! I- EVANS!" but she already got up and stormed out of the Hall, leaving James next to two confused, giggling girls, and wondering how that went wrong so quicky.


	3. Chapter 3

LILY'S POV:

_Idiot Potter. That bloddy hurt! _  
She already had an essay due for Herbology and figured she'd start that tonight.

_Oh, jeese!_ The makings of a Party had already materialized in the common room. she looked around to see a couple of 7th years putting up a sign that read "First Night Back Party" and boxes of candy and food filling up each table and chair.

"Can i help you short stuff?" asked one of the boys trying to levitate the sign and do a sticking charm at the same time.

"_ Some of us_ have homework to do. Even if it is the first night back."

"Well, excuse litle ol' me!" he relpied.  
She walked up to her dormatory. _I'll just have to write it in here... dumb seventh years... _she said to herself, though she figured she might take a short break later to enjoy the party a bit. She was about to sit on her bed and get started when she saw a book that she didnt remember leaving there. it was _A History of Magic- First Edition_ . She opened the cover and found a note:

Lily:  
_You were so well informed on the Giant War, that i thought you might be intersted in reading a bit more on it, plus some other history topics as well. Consider it my gift to you for not serving as such great opposition!_

_Hope you like it!_  
_J. Potter_

Lily laughed slightly to herself. _The little git...Just keeps redeeming himself, doesn't he...?_ She flipped through the pages and waited for the noises of the party to get loud enough to serve as her excuse for not doing her homework...

JAMES POV:

James excused himself from Jessica and Alice and made his way back to his normal end of the table. He was nearly in his seat when Sirius yelled rather too loud:  
"HEY POTTER!"

"Bloody... WHAT? I'm right here!"

Remus turned to Sirius and said as if they were observing thier friend, "Well, we can rule out deaf and blind... Your right Padfoot, i guess he really is just dumb." Peter choked on his potatoes.

James tried his best to change the subject. "I thought we were going to keep our names a secret, or did i miss the memo? Pass the green beans, will ya?"

"Yeah well, i feel we can be a little lax on the names... doesnt mean we are going to announce things to the entire school are we? But really, where were you?" Said Remus, passign the green beans.

"I was busy making a fool of myself is all - hey, i hear they are throwing a party in the common room, lets ditch dinner, shall we?"

They made their way upstairs, and as James entered through the fat lady, she saw none other than Lily Evans making her way toward him.

_She read it…_

The party was suprizingly alive for it being so early in the night. Every type of candy you could think of was there and there was even music coming form somewhere… but James noticed none of this…  
"I'm sorry," Lily said with a serious face, "I can't accept this."

"What?" _Jeeze! Women!_

_  
_" I believe she said, ' I can't accept this…'" Said Peter. James couldn't tell if he was being serious or a smart- aleck.

"But- why?" He said.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Lily started laughing. She portrayed a wide smile on her face as she said: "Because I already own it!"

"No way!" _Bizarre…_

"Yes, I've read it already." She proclaimed, smile unfaultered.

James was smiling too, but now it was his turn to laugh. " No you haven't…" Shaking his head, as if trying to tell Lily that she, in fact, hadn't read the book.

Sirius had placed himself down at the nearest table with his own arm around a stunned- speechless fifth year. "If the red head says she's read it- she's read it, Potter."

"No," Gave James, half to Sirius, half to himself. "The only people who read this book, let alone own it are losers and, well, me…"

"I believe you fall under the category of-" Sirius started, but he got cut off by Lily saying,  
"No, of course I've read it!"

"Oh dear," Sirius said to hisself, "We have another reader…"

"Well, you can still keep it if you like. I mean, I coincidence like that has got to mean something, right?" said James.

"Well," Started Lily slowly, "… I suppose I will. Only because mines a little beaten up… and because something in my bruised leg tells me to." She laughed. Sirius had now taken to snogging the fifth year, which left James feeling a bit uneasy. Lily seemed unaltered.

"Well," she said, "I'm going to get back to my dormitory…"

"And try to sleep in all of this?" he asked. "It's way too early anyways!"

"Oh, no, I was going to get started on the Herbology essay. Though I suppose I could just do it in the library…."

"Oh, forget it! Just have Wormtail here do it for you!" he nodded in the direction of Peter, who was standing on the sidelines, focused on nothing in particular, and seemed startled at the sound of his name. "At least stay for a little while." Lily seemed to think on it for a couple of moments as she stared around the room.

"I suppose just for a small while…"


	4. Chapter 4

James and Lily had set themselves down at a table near a window with dozens of taffy- like candies scattered on it, and a small plant James had said to be a Nalidodin. They had spent the last half hour eating the sticky candy and talking about everything and nothing at all.

"You're kind of weird, you know," said Lily at one point. "I was actually planning of A History of Magic."

"Why get another?" James asked, eating another sticky piece of candy.

"Well, my sister has taken to ripping out the pages of all my books."

"Ah, little ones can do that to you…"

"Sure," Lily said loudly and matter- of- factly, "but it doesn't help much that she's not two, she's sixteen!" She crumpled up a wrapper. James gave her a confused look. "My sister's a muggle. I'm muggle- born. My sister doesn't generally like the fact that I have the ability to turn her into a beaver or something." She started playing with the wrapper.

"So," James said. "She ruins your books, tries to steal your wand and-"

"And she calls me a freak every chance she gets, yep." She threw the wrapper in to the Nalidodin pot.

"You never know," James replied, trying to eat a piece of candy at the same time. "she could come around…" He threw his wrapper in the pot.

Lily threw two more in and said, "Yeah, I just have to prepare myself for if she doesn't come around." She threw in another. Tried to get the stick off her hands. Threw another. "Plus, it's costing me a lot of money on books, as well."

James only half- heard the last bit. He was focused on getting his wrappers into the plant pot on the far end of the table…. Until finally, he got one in to Lily's miss. "HA! Victory!"

Lily gave his a defiant look and said, " Yeah… you sure you don't want to keep the wrappers to help make your hair stick Potter?"

And with that, James realized the kind of friendship this was going to turn out to be.

Lily and James had spent the better part of the next three weeks discussing things the rest of the group deemed 'unimportant'. At one point during Transfiguration, while they were supposed to be trying to change a piece of string into a shower head, Lily, observing James, got angry at him for 'not trying hard enough'.

"You're not moving your wand right!"

"I don't see you trying at all, Evans," he spat. "Besides, this is completely pointless. Really unnecessary!"

"It's for a grade, Potter, of course its necessary!"

"Lily, can you think of any time in the future where you're going to need to change an old piece of string into a shower head? Can you?" he asked.

Lily seemed a little stunned at the question. "Well… if you have an excess of string lying around, then it will come very in handy if your shower is broken."

"See, Lily, that's your problem. You don't question anything! You're just going to be going by in life, wasting your time doing pointless things. When there are a whole bunch of better things you could be doing, you know?"

"I suppose so…" she said.

"Hey, Prongsie?" Asked Remus politely, not taking his eyes off the string.

"Yes, Moony?" replied James equally mannered.

Sirius seemed very intent to changing his string, flinging his wand in different directions, "Shut up, please?"

"Yeah alright hang on. We only live once Lily, er- well, as far as we know. So what a waste of time! Like… like the Muggles with the tell-a-na- vision." Lily giggled at the mispronunciation. "Or us witches and wizards who just must get the newspaper everyday to read about the latest gossip." He half- heartedly tried the spell again. And grumbled in defeat. "Whatever I don't care."

"But you know," she said, "It's always good to try new things…" she sat up straight and with a flick of the wrist and the correct pronunciation, her pathetic piece of string turned into a shower head. In response to James' dropped jaw she said, "I taught myself last year when the one in the girls bathroom broke." Remus pointed and laughed.

PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK GUYS, _PLEASE!_


	5. Chapter 5

I am now addressing my, all of, three reviews:

**DarthRoden:** Thanks Man! I totally looked over your HP story and it is CRAZY GOOD! Real complicated and the like. I think you and your friends did a really good job. It's totally mind blowing and the imagery is insane! Thanks a bunch for the good review.

**Lilybookworm: **I updated… four times. What now?

**Wrongful V.**: You rock socks! Hope your reading this and hope to see you at school tomorrow. Good luck on finals!

Lily POV:

Although Lily didn't realize it, the past couple weeks had gone by wonderfully. Everything was fine academic wise- but the fact that she had, not only someone, but a group of people to talk to, made it all that much better. She found it amazing all of the small things she had in common with James. He had read the same books in his lifetime, enjoyed the same subjects as her, and, most importantly, he shared her want to become an auror after their time in Hogwarts. Everything seemed to be going fine until one morning at breakfast…

"Has anyone heard of a Hubert Hume?" Asked Jessica holding up a Daily Prophet. The group that now referred to themselves as The Maurders were helping themselves to scrambled eggs and bacon, while Lily, Jessica and Alice were going through the mail.

"Didn't he own that ice cream parlor in Diagon Alley?" asked Peter. "Or maybe it was the show repair shop…"

"Who ever he was, he's dead. As well as a whole other group of people. " Said Jessica. She read a bit of the article that said his and many other deaths were thought to be the work of a dark wizard. "It was known to be his work from the insignia he left in the sky afterward." She said.

"That's awful!' replied Lily. James seemed to be the only one unaltered by the bad news. He seemed to be focused on something else across the way. Lily turned to see a tall Slytherin boy enjoying his breakfast alone directly on the other side of the table next to theirs.

"Snivellus." Said Sirius.

"Is that really his name?" Alice asked. "Poor boy."

Lily asked to borrow Jessica's Phrophet and went on reading about the deaths while the rest of the group ate and James and Sirius whispered to each other. The next thing you know, the two boys were trying to stifle laughs while pointing to the Syltherin boy at the other table. The stringy haired boy was tempting to eat his toast, yet was held back because his eggs were jumping from his plate into his face.

"James, stop that!" She was ignored. Jessica and Alice caught on too, and tried their best to stifle their laughs as well. The boy tried to flick away the attacking eggs and continue with his toast but the eggs wouldn't rest. Lily heard James whisper the spell again and more eggs lifted off the plate and into the boys face.

"James, cut it out! I'm serious!" She hissed.

"Calm down, prefect!" Sirius replied, "It's only Snape." It seemed as if James was ignoring her completely.

"James, that's mean! Cut it out!" She kicked him under the table.

The boy named Snape was now less interested in the toast, and more interested in whoever was hexing his food. Although, it proved difficult, considering the attacking eggs were blocking his view. James murmured another spell under his breath and the dark haired boys cup lifted, hovered for a moment and then tipped upside down in his lap. The group exploded with laughter as Snape stood up in surprise and tipped over the plate of bacon in the process. As it occurred to James the laughter gave them away he stood and held up his wand. " Enjoying your meal, Snivellus?"

He stood as well. "I usually enjoy my meals better when it is in my mouth, not on my face." He had a sharp, quiet voice.

Lily felt uncomfortable. No longer safe. Oh, please just sit down, she thought. James suddenly looked as Lily saw him in the years before, as she had seen him in Hobbs class on the first day. A stranger to her, tall and overly confident. Intimidating. She didn't know him anymore. _Please just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up…_She was panicking.

" Your lucky we are in the Main Hall, otherwise I would hex your brain out!" cried James.

"I'm terrified, really." Said the Snape boy sarcastically. He flicked a piece of egg out of his hair.

James cast a spell that, thankfully, hit the jug of pumpkin juice instead of his human target. Snape fired a spell nearly right afterward that made James' hair stand straight up, then another that missed and hit the plate of bacon directly in front of Lily. It was all happening so fast and Lily didn't like any of it, unlike Alice and Jessica who found James new hair somewhat amusing. It was clear both of the boys were completely frustrated and were flying spells right and left.

"Sectu-" Cried Snape,

"Expellerimus!" Snape's wand jumped out of his hand, flipped in the air and landed in the egg bowl.

James face turned unrecognizable. A huge grin had spread and Lily was perceiving him in a whole new way. "Rict-"

But he was interrupted by another spell- "Expellerimus!"

It was Lily.

Snape took the moment of James without his wand and the rest of the group in confusion to his advantage. "Rictusempra!"

James was taken off his feet and landed just before the Hufflepuff table, disturbing a group of kids and nearly tipping over the bench they sat on. Sirius and Peter ran over to help him up. Lily stood paralyzed exactly how she was- wand in hand, wide- eyed pointed where James had been standing.

"I think that's enough for now." Snape said portraying a giant sized smile on his egg- covered face. He made his way down to the doorway.

James hadn't moved from the floor. He was just staring at her in confusion, until she couldn't take it any more and ran off.


	6. Chapter 6

_For reasons both them and I are very well aware of, I cannot leave this room.  
**  
**_Lily sat on her carefully made four-poster bed while searching her brain, not feelings, for the appropriate words for her sister to read.

_I am well and I hope you are too. School is great and I hope yours is too. I am learning a lot and I hope you are too. I miss you and father and mom too. _

You can send a message back to me if you like. Aerostoph wont bite or of that sort.

Without wax,  
Lily

To say Lily was deeply depressed or even emotionally effected in the days after the breakfast incident would be slightly too dramatic. She had a life before she knew James. A perfectly fine life with friends and owls from home and classes just as exciting as they had been in the past month- things she could very well go back to. The only difference between James and the other friendly empires that had risen and fallen in the same amount of time, was that Lily did not want to go back to the way things were before.

But she did anyways.

She woke up in the morning, ate breakfast along side Jessica and Alice, who engaged in conversation with both Lily and the Mauders. She went from class to class, just as she had before. Stopped second years from setting dung bombs in the hall, just as before. Lily ate lunch, sat under the same tree to read, went to the rest of her lessons, did homework, chatted with Hufflepuffs and went to bed, just as before.

_And in the allotted time, in the appointed space given to her to do such, and only then,_ she _allowed_ her brain to wonder who that boy was who stood tall and mighty and confident and intimidating and scary at breakfast that one morning. And who it was that told her to stand up and lifted her wand and _made_ her speak the spell that would stop James 'Prongs' Potter from talking to her.

_In the time given to her and only then_ did she think and realize that the spell that came form somebody else mouth that morning also meant the end of conversations that didn't have to do with the opposite sex, or the weather, or the sad deaths of shoemakers or someone's aunt. The end of discussions that actually had purpose and meaning. Conversations that she came out of with that high she got, or being able to look at something a different way.

She wondered what would have happened if she hadn't raised her hand in history class, or, on the other hand, if she had chosen to accept Remus' offer to sit on the train with him and the group.

As it turns out, she thought, I was a good judge of character.

JAMES POV:

It had been more or less a month since the happenings in the great hall and James was still serving detention every Saturday night. James had absolutely no regret about what he did to Snape- he only regretted no informing Lily why he did it.

It was definitely not intentional that James would go so long not talking to Lily. The only reason why was that he was embarrassed. He must have looked awful to her. He had also intended to tell her why he did what he did that morning, but the time was never right. She was now placing herself furthest away from him in class and at lunch, and she was never quite in the common room at the same time as him. Just the way she _didn't_ talk to him made him feel low.

He had always felt at home with Remus, Sirius and Peter. There was a brotherly bond there that even if they did get in a row, it didn't really mean much. With Lily it was different but the same. He had been able to talk to Lily about the same things that he could talk about with any of the guys, but with her it made him think differently about things. Yet life still went on after the conversations ended. And he wasn't quite sure what he missed about Lily. Was it possible that he had, in those two- almost three weeks, began to feel at home with her too?

But still, he kept quiet. _Who am I to talk to her? She is great and why should she even look at me when she thought that he had just picked on some lonely little kid? Besides, he thought, She probably has loads of friends and she doesn't need me… billions of friends she could be having those conversations with… a boyfriend she could be having those conversations with…" _

The thought flowed through his head as he stood in line to get his permission slip for Hogsmade checked. He looked over and saw Jessica and Alice a little behind him in the line. He stuck his hands in his pockets and purposely too- innocently whistled his way over to them.

"So… ladies…" He itched his head, looked around. To Alice and Jessica and anyone else who happened to be in line waiting, James looked as if any second he was going to open up his robe and ask them if they wanted to buy some watches. "Lily would be… where?"

"Ohhhh…" Said Alice. She took in a deep breath as if she was about to tell a long story, she let it out and in that single breath she said quickly, "She's-with-her-boyfriend-I'm-Just-kidding-she's-not-coming-go-get-'er-Romeo."

"Thank you!" James replied as if Alice had just given him water after he had spent a month and a half in a desert, and with that he rushed upstairs.

Lily wasn't in the Common Room. He knocked on the door to the girls' dormitory.

"Mum mim" a muffled voice said. Guessing that meant 'come in' he opened the door and leaned against the frame. Lily sat on her bed organizing one thing or another. That was all he saw before he looked away. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, so he looked just about everywhere else, scratched his head, stuck his hands in his pockets…

_Say something!_ She was staring at him. He closed his eyes. _When I open them, I've got to say something…_

He opened them.

LILY POV:

Lily sat on her bed, enjoying the quiet. She had no particular need to go to Hogsmade today, and sort of fancied a day to herself. She was folding clothes when James walked in.

_Oh, god. Okay, say what you're here to say. Say "I'm sorry" or whatever just don't yell like you did and don't look at me like you did when you were on the floor. I'm sorry too just don't scare me.  
_  
He wasn't looking at her. He fumbled. He closed his eyes and when he opened them he looked straight at her. Then he said something with a voice that made her forget how intimidating he was before.

He looked at her for the first time in two months and said simply,

"Wanna get some ice cream?"


	7. Chapter 7

James and Lily were walking down the many flights of stairs and had hardly said enough words to consider it a conversation. It made James uncomfortable, and he resulted in talking about Quiddich. He was rambling and he knew it. Lily seemed interested until she froze half way down the flight of stairs, and very near the middle of nowhere. 

Lily POV:

Lily was not at the point in time where she wanted to openly talk with James, whether about Quiddich or not. That was not why she froze.

As James spoke, Lily made it look as if she was listening, but she found it hard to pay attention. She heard the words, but didn't entirely comprehend them. She wasn't focusing completely and he spoke with a professional perspective. She supposed with all the debates and the breakfast catastrophe, and nearly two months separating then and now, she missed the fact that James was… handsome. The realization came to her suddenly and heavily and left her with an element of surprise. That was not why she froze.

James POV:

"I'm sorry, you don't want to hear me talk about Quiddich do you?" James said, reacting to her sudden stop.

"No, please, go on." She said, holding back a laugh.

"Okay then, well… let's go."

Lily giggled and shook her head as if to say, 'sorry, no.'

James laughed in confusion. "And why not may I ask?" No sooner had he said it did he realize what happened. His face went blank in astonishment, but in hearing Lily laugh he couldn't help but do so himself.

She had frozen because she had forgotten to miss a step.

"I'll go get someone to help!" he exclaimed.

"Why would I want you to do that?" she shook her head.

"Do you want to be stuck here all day?" He asked.

"Here I am, in the middle of nowhere," she observed as she sat down, "With a great excuse for not doing homework or having to talk with someone I might run into at Hogsmade… here I am with a perfect excuse for not having to do anything, why would I want to pass that up?"

She was so weird, yet that kind of made sense.

"So, we're just going to sit here and do nothing?" he asked.

"Yeah, every time I'm doing nothing I always feel a little useless, but now I have an reason for doing nothing." She was still smiling a little. He sat down in front of her. And they were silent for awhile.

"So, you know Snape? The one in the breakfast hall?"

"Yes," she replied quietly.

"Just to let you know, he's a git. He's more than a git. In our first year he-"

"You know James, I don't know what you parents do."

"Oh," he gave, surprised he hadn't told her before. He held his head high: "My parents are Aurors."

"Wow, I'm sorry." She said.

"Why should you be sorry?" he asked confused.

"Well, don't get me wrong, I want to be an Auror too. But it must be hard to have your parents, you know, always in danger."

"Oh, they're never in danger!" he exclaimed. "My parents are the best Aurors that ever lived!" Lily smiled. "What do your parents do?"

"Oh, umm… they own a grocery store."

"They're muggles!" Lily nodded at his surprise. " That must be… difficult."

"Not at all. Besides," she gave, "My parents are the best muggle grocery store owners that ever lived!" she wore a smile in her face. He laughed there was a pause.

"Lily about that day at breakfast -"

"James, let's just forget about it okay?"

"Okay." He said sincerely.

"Now," she started. "Favorite color."

He laughed. "Red and Gold, what else!"

"You truly are a Gryffindor-ian."

"well, yeah… actually…" He blushed.

"Change your mind?" she asked.

"It changed the day I saw the color of your eyes."

Lily's smile faded. In the next instant it re- appeared and she started laughing. Then, of all things, she snorted, which caused James to start laughing, too.

After it had subsided, she said, "Thanks for the compliment."

"Yeah, well… Okay! Chocolate or vanilla?" he asked. "Because if you're a chocolate lover, then maybe it's a good thing we aren't going for ice cream anymore." 

"I like both." She replied with her hands in the air as if surrendering.

"Both?" He exploded. "How can you like both? It's either one or the other."

"Not everything is black and white, Potter. Even old muggle movies have gray in between…"

Throughout the course of the day James realized how much he didn't know about Lily. They talked about books and teachers he found out what day her birthday was and that her favorite muggle- invented food was clam chowder and that she had an apple tree in her backyard. And he confessed that that he never knew that apples came from trees until he was seven- he always thought that they just appeared in his kitchen and then Lily pointed out that they probably did just appear in his kitchen, considering both his parents were magic folk.

He became more observant during their conversation- noticing things like how she never looked down when she talked and in mentioning this she said, 'Never look down, you never know what you could be missing in doing so… yet you should always look down, because you could be missing something down there, too.'

And while realizing that he had never known much about Lily Evans until today, he also realized that Lily was just as clueless about him, yet she seemed to know that she didn't know much. The day came to an end when Sirius and Jessica showed up around 4:30.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Lily. 

"We um, decided to take the long way to the library before we went to dinner." Sirius explained.

"Sirius …and Jessica… going to the library?" Asked Lily skeptically.

James knew Sirius had turned to the map when in wondering where he was, recognized this area as a place where the staircase changed and needed an excuse to 'run into them' before getting a teacher to help, otherwise Lily and the tag-along- Jessica would wondering how he knew.

"Looks like you're stuck." He smiled. "I'll go see if Hobbs is still in his classroom."

Lily got off with nothing but a sore ankle, and received a piggy- back ride from James to the great hall, where she was happy to find clam chowder as the main choice for dinner…


	8. Chapter 8

Lily had always wondered why muggle psychiatrists did word associations until she recovered from a day dream in Defense against the Dark Arts class one day around mid- November. She was finding it hard to concentrate, and when the teacher had casually dropped the word, 'Vanilla', she was gone from the classroom and back to the age of ten or so. Her aunts library clear in her mind, trying to ignore the fact that years later it would only consist of spider webs and dust…

Lily sat in her usual comfy chair reading; the scent of vanilla so strong it was nearly visible hovering over her. It always smelled of vanilla in the library, and Lily had simply assumed that the candles were hidden behind the piles of books. She was reading The Little Prince. She had read it more than once, and each time her aunt assured her that she did understand it to the fullest. 'Look beyond the words,' she always said. It was one of the many things her aunt said that kept her lying awake past her bedtime thinking about.

Her aunt was short and a little plump, and always smelled of lavender. She loved to cook and clean, and Lily thought she was the smartest person in the world. Her hair had a hint of red in it, just like Lily's, and when lily wasn't at her own house, she was at her aunts.

Her aunt entered the room with the usual, 'Whadder you doin'?' and, as routine, Lily responded with, 'Nothing of any consequence,' and sat down her book.

"Auntie?" Asked Lily, "Why do I call you auntie if you're really not my auntie?"

"Because I might as well be, don't you think? Close enough to be family… What part are you at? For the umpteenth time?" replied her aunt, referring to the book.

"The part where his home planet is so small that all her has to do is walk to the other side of it to see the sun rise and set…"

Auntie had just picked up a cup of tea from next to the dormant book. '_Oh! Maybe I just didn't se it th-'_

"You know!" exclaimed her aunt rather loudly, "The first time someone sees a sun set- it's unbelievably beautiful. The seventh time, one might wonder who else is watching the same sun setting as they are." She poured Lily some tea. "The twelfth time… one is much too busy wondering what happened to their shopping list to even notice that the sun is leaving the sky."

"We take it for granted, you mean?"

"No you silly girl!" cried her aunt kiddingly. "The sun is nothing to take for granted! Just because it looks pretty every morning and night- it wont help us in the long run! Those shopping lists are much more important!" She said with a hint of sarcasm and a smile on her face. "Little Johnny wont live if we forget to buy his favorite cereal!" she wagged her finger jokingly and she had used her 'old lady voice', which made Lily laugh.

"Has mum, um… called?" lily always found it odd that her aunt didn't have a phone. In mentioning this one day, her aunt had said, 'So people don't bug me!' and it was never brought up again.

"Petunia's being dropped off Tomorrow, and then I'm walking both of you back home later in the day. And you mum says, 'hi'." As this was said her aunt sat up, kissed Lily on the forehead, said, 'I love you' and then went on about her business elsewhere in the house…

People getting up to leave the last class of the day resulted in the end of lily's memory of her aunt. She made her way up to the common room to drop off her things before dinner. The boys made a big deal of her walking up the stairs and proceeded in applauding her when she successfully skipped the correct step just before it changed.

JAMES POV:

Lily had set her books she was carrying on the nearest table on the common room with a sigh of relief.

"You don't have to carry all those books around. First of all, you don't need half of those, second, I have more room in my bag than you do, I can carry them." Offered James.

"Ahhh, how sweet!" said Sirius. " Would you carry my books too, Prongsie? I'll let you hold my hand!"

Lily smiled, " Thanks Potter, but I think I can handle it. I'm tough."

"Yeah, Potter! What were you thinking! To even mention touching Lily's books!" Cried Remus.

"Oh, so that's how it is?" He questioned. "If that's the case, I'll just take back that book I gave you then!"

"Oh! There's a threat!" interrupted Sirius. "Only nitwits read that book, anyway!"

James knew Sirius was only playing tough, and his thoughts were confirmed a couple minutes later, when James swore he heard him mutter, 'Hold up… I've read this book…' with a puzzled look on his face.

"What if I didn't care if you took the book?" Lily replied.

"What if I did take it back, and then what if I didn't talk to you for another two months?"

"What if I didn't care?"

"What if I didn't care either?"  
"What if I stopped lending you my transfiguration notes then? What if, gasp, you had to write them yourself!"

"Oh! I got one!" Said Remus, "What if, gasp, the hokey pokey really is what its all about!" …

LILY POV:

That night Lily lay awake, thinking of another experience with her aunt…

"IT'S JUST A STATE OF MIND!" Called her aunt from the other room. "Think of it this way. The kitchen needs to be cleaned, there's no getting around that. So if we are just in the right, positive state of mind, then it wont be so bad!"

Lily couldn't think of anything she wanted to do less.

"Run into the broom closet down the hall, and get me the dust pan wont you? The one down the hall!" she asked.

Lily went down the hall and turned the corner. She opened the door. Instead of finding the dustpan, or any other cleaning utensils, she found her aunt, sister, father and mother, dead, lying on the floor. And soon, Lily was down on the floor with them. Crying, screaming. How could that be? How?

Her aunt came running, asking what was wrong at first. She froze. Slammed the closet door. Took up Lily in her arms. "Don't worry!" she said. "Don't worry. It's not real."

It all happened so fast. She had seen them all dead. The next second she was in her aunts arms, and then with a snapping sound, she was back home. Her mother did the same- told her it wasn't real- but Lily had seen it. It was very real. Her mother was yelling at her aunt to leave...

In the next few days, Lily had stayed in her room. Her parents did their best to tell her that she had just been seeing things; Lily didn't know what to believe.

And she didn't know that she would never see her aunt again...


	9. Chapter 9

LILY POV:

"I just don't think everyone's ready for a ministress of magic, that's all!"

"You two bicker like an old married couple…" interrupted Sirius.

"It's a _heated discussion_," Lilycorrected himas a soft wind blew over the main hall in result of the hundreds of owls swooping down to deliver the mail. Aerostoph supplied Lily with a newspaper and a letter from home, unfortunately, not from Petunia.

_Lily,  
How are you? We are fine here- nothing special. Your father gives his regards, he is very busy at the store, putting in long hours, where as I'm staying home with your sister mostly. I hope all is well for you there at school. Remember, not all can be perfect, and I know Petunia misses you.  
With love,  
Mum._

Lily moved on to her newspaper, only to find that seven deaths occurred last night, all ending in the viewing of a 'dark mark' clear in the night sky.

"Sirius?" Remus interrupted her reading by the tone of concern in his voice. "Another… letter form home?"

Sirius held his letter in one hand as he held his spoon to his oatmeal in the other. "Is my sheer excitement that obvious?" he said monotonously.

There was something in Sirius' face Lily recognized… understood. It could have been as small as the almost inconspicuous glare that was in his eyes or as big as the seriousness his face portrayed that only happened once in a full moon.

As Lily sat, openly staring at Sirius reading his mail, she was reminded of no fifth year Hogwarts student. She was reminded of someone young, someone betrayed, and although she had never _seen_ the face before, it reminded her of an eleven year old sitting at a foggy window in a black dress.

_That must have been what I looked like… that was what I felt like…_

Lily let her mind dwell on the fact that the weather reflected what kind of day it was. Lily found she was unable to eat breakfast that May morning. She had never been to a funeral before… and she had never realized just how unbelievably much she missed her aunt until she heard of her death.

It had been an entire year since the fiasco at her aunts house. She assumed that to most people, a year wouldn't seem like all that much time, but a year without seeing her aunt was excruciatingly long and painful. If she had heard their parting when she was ten, she would have denied it… deemed it unfathomable. Often times Lily cried at night. She still loved her aunt- as her aunt, even if she didn't know her anymore. Often times she would see her mother upset and her father comforting her. Her mother talked of the loyalty and love they had had for one another, but that it was just too risky to have Lily and Petunia with her anymore. Lily couldn't understand!

The thought of her aunt had been in and out of her mind during that year, until the thought decided to reside with her permanently, right after they received a letter of the death. Her parents wouldn't tell her how, just that she was gone.

Lily sat at the window in her black dress that she hated to wear, but wore gladly today. For she could think of nothing she would rather do more then to officially say goodbye to her aunt- the smartest person in the world.

Her father came up behind her, "It's time to go, sweetie. Would you go get your sister?"

Lily walked up the stairs, thinking about the time they all went to the pumpkin patch, and opened the door to her sisters room… only to find her sister still in her pajamas, talking on the phone, far from ready to leave.

Lily stood at the door, unable to believe her eyes that were now overflowing with tears.

JAMES POV:

The period James and Lily went without talking was just too much for him… so now all torturing was done away from Lily's eyes! As well as the hexing of younger students. By the time December rolled around, he had received several detentions for 'creating distractions in the halls' and with the help of Sirius he was able to stop the bathroom facet from turning on whenever Snape attempted to use it. His scheming was going remarkably well until Lily decided to enter the hall at exactly the wrong time.

He was attempting to amuse his fellow maurders by making the hair of the third years in front of him stand on end.

"Potter! _What_ are you doing?"

"He's just having a bit of fun, Lily. If it was anything more I would have stopped him," claimed Remus. "I am a Prefect too, you know."

She took a more relaxed tone with Remus, as if conversation with him occurred on the side lines: "Yes, I know, but I can't say I agree with you Potter Policy…"

Desperately trying to change the topic at hand, James thought it best to apologize. "I'm terribly sorry, Lily. It was just an informal goodbye to them before Christmas Vacation."

"If you sorry it happened, you'll never let it happen again." It was something her aunt had said.

James gave one of his smiles. "Well, I can't guarantee that…" The boys laughed.

_'Okay, this is getting old,' _she thoughtLily leaned in so just James could hear her, "James, are you acting this way just to impress?"

He leaned in as well, mockingly and smiled at what she had asked, "No." Pause. "Why? Is it working?" he, quick and inconspicuously, while leaning in, took hold of Lily's wand. With a flick of the wrist, he had in possession. He smiled and shrugged as if to say, 'sorry, your fault.'

Lily felt the pressure and heat rise.

"Uh, oh, Prongs! Lily's going to have to go at you muggle style!" Cried Sirius.

"Muggle style?" she replied. "I don't need to lay a finger on him! If you tell Potter his breath smells bad and he'll be on the floor writhing in pain looking for somebody's dropped breath mint!"

Remus, not without laughter,made James give Lily her wand back and furiously, she turned on her heal and made her way down the hall…


	10. Chapter 10

Reviws, Reviews, Reviews! Come on you guys! Or I'll just stop posting! No, i wouldnt, but it would be niceto have some incentive. Thank you to the, all of, six people who have given me great reveiws on the story so far (... 10 entire chapters in)

You have Lily's story, now this is James... in three parts. i realize that its slightly choppy.

JAMES POV: PART ONE

James had never been passively frustrated before. He didn't know it was even something you could be until he sat down in his room to write his letter. He had finished his letters to Sirius and Remus and Peter, and he felt obligated to write Lily, who was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays. He started to feel uncomfortable and opened the window. He stuck his head out and let the cold wind spread across his face. After his mind wondered for a couple minutes, he sat down on his bed again, wrote his letter, and then sent his owl off to Hogwarts.

-X-

Miles away, Lily sat with the few Gryffindors who decided to stay at school during Christmas eating breakfast. She was enjoying a large stack of pancakes drenched in butter when an owl she didn't recognize swooped down on her. With a confused look on her face she opened it and saw:

'Hi.'

No need to wonder who it was. She finished her breakfast in a rush and then ran up flights of stairs to make herself comfortable in the common room.

-X-

James is seven, sitting at the dinner table.

"Sit up straight, James. Elbows off!" said his mother quickly.

"Mummy? Why do our elbows have to be off the table?"

"Because its rude no to," said his father, "And plus, we have company tonight, we must be on our best behavior."

"Oh, don't mind me," said the old man at the end of the table. He was bald and wore all gray and James thought that he was dull.

"I still don't get why, though…" James mumbled.

"Mr. Blocke! Please, help your self to some mashed potatoes! They are delicious if I do say so myself," gave his mother while passing the gray man a bowl.

"Define delicious…" James proclaimed. He received a scolding look from his father. "Really! Define it!" He turned to Mr. Blocke. "Can you define delicious? Because if you think those mashed 'tatoes are delicious then we definitely have different definitions." Pause. "Can you not define it? It's okay. you're not very good at vocabulary are you?"

Mr. Blocke laughed politely and tapped him on the top of the head, calling him 'a cute boy', and 'a laugh, really'. James barely noticed his fathers disapproving look or his mothers blushing. A few uncomfortable minutes passed…

"Mr. Blocke, how old are you?…"

-X-

'James:

My new potter policy:

Something goes wrong according to my book, I don't know you. At all.

That being said, how are you?

Lily '

-X-

PART TWO:

'James jotted a couple sentences down:

HA! Prophet headline: Potter Policy Proclaimed Pleasing! Turn to next page for: Who the Hell is this Peter Piper and why does he get all the Pickled Peppers?

Say the above ten times fast.

J.

P.S. Fine, how are you?'

James clock showed exactly 53 minutes and 56 seconds until he received another letter.

'James:

Peter Piper is the cousin of the person who came up with the bit about how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Haha!

I'm fine, it's very quiet here at Hogwarts.

Lily.'

He read it with a giant smile on his face. '_Well isn't she clever…'_

'Lily,  
Is that so? I did not know that! However, a recent study has shown that even if woodchucks could chuck wood, they wouldn't.

Wood tastes bad.

Is it quiet at school because nearly nobody's there? How many people are there do you think? How many Slytherins? What are you going to do for Christmas? How are Jessica and Alice? They are both there, correct? They bug you a little don't they?

J.'

He entertained himself by cleaning up his room until a response arrived.

'James-

One should not ask so many questions! It is ungentlemanly! I'm…'

James stopped reading. The walls were closing in.

-X-

PART THREE:

"And do not come out until you are ready to apologize to Mr. Blocke for being so rude. You need to learn that such questions are RUDE, James!" his father yelled and slammed the door.

James laid down in the center of his room, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't the first time he had been sent to his room, but it was probably the first time he had been sent to his room without a book he could read. All of his books were either scattered around other places in the house, or there in his room but had been read a thousand times over, so there was nothing to elevate his brain from the confines of this area. He figured he would just wait the half an hour it took for his parents to give him the opportunity to say that he 'will not ask such rude questions' and to apologize to Mr. Blocke.

After almost two minutes, which seemed more like an eternity, he was bored. He closed his eyes. About fifteen minutes later he opened his eyes. He was dizzy. His room from this angle was odd…. different. He stood up, and collapsed on his bed. His room seemed smaller and disfigured. He crawled into the corner of his bed and rested his head where the two walls connected, so that his head would stop moving. It didn't help. He felt as if his head was moving in weird, slow circles. He felt sick. He started to cry and opened the window, and made the mistake of looking down. More dizziness.

He was trapped. The space was so small, surely the walls that kept coming closer and closer would crush him. He rushed as fast as he could to the door, trying not to create the risk of falling over. He failed, and rammed himself into his desk. Pain spread from his side to his entire body. It was becoming hard to breathe. He started to cry harder. "I WONT ASK QUESTIONS!" he gasped, pounding on the door desperately. "I WONT ASK ANYMORE QUESTIONS! LET ME OUT!"

This was his first experience of what he discovered later to be claustrophobia.

-X-

James set down the letter and tried to stay calm. He closed his eyes and pictured himself in the back field of Hogwarts, near the lake - a nice, wide space. He felt a little better. He opened the window and his bedroom door to let some air in. He remembered the first time when he discovered he was claustrophobic, sitting in the exact same place. '_Only one thing has changed.'_ He thought,_ 'I can ask questions. I can ask Lily questions… '_


	11. Chapter 11

(Okay so maybe if i update again you guys will give some feedback. Or maybe if i think all the people who have reviewed so far, people will be compelled to give reviews in hopes that I will thank them next time. In that case: Thank you Wrongful Vanity, Lily Book Worm, Darth Roden, Deirdre, NotFlame Retarant, and NaturalNin! Thanks a lot! Or maybe I should not be commited and not update once a week like i have been. Let me know!)

Here you go:

"Shut it, Peter!" James was reacting to Peter making kissing sounds. Peter was reacting to the news that James wanted to ask Lily to Hogsmeade for Valentines Day weekend. They were placed under a tree next to the lake that was big enough to provide shade. James thought Remus had hexed it, considering it was still winter and bright leaves had come from strong branches, clearly out showing the rest of the trees. The maurders deemed it their area and that was that.

Remus was humming 'James and Lily sitting in a tree…' just above his breath.

"It doesn't mean anything." James said. "Sirius takes a different girl each time and you guys don't make anything of it!"

"Hey man!" cried Sirius, "it's tough, these Hogsmeade weekends, for people like me!"

Peter piped up, " Oh! Yes! Hi, I'm Sirius, and I have to chose which girl out of five hundred I'm going to take out today! Pooooooor me! Booooooo- hoo!"

"Shut it Worm," Sirius through a pile of grass at him. "Girls are gits…"

"That should be out slogan!" Said Remus jokingly from behind his book. "Girls Are Gits. We can be called G.A.G..."

"_...gag...?_ " Peter mumbled to himself

Sirius was quick to reply: "Well, let's not go _that_ far. They're not _that_ bad."

James shrugged and mumbled, "Lily's not a git…"

"Very good, James. Now play dead." Said Sirius, "She is coming this way, though…"

"Hey guys. I'd stay and chat and all, but it's getting almost a little cold out here."

"Hey Evans, hold up." James stood. "Er- what are you doing?" She had thrown her book bag over and begun to climb the wall. Once she had gotten to the top, she replied, "I'm going back inside, like I said!"

"Why not use the gate?" he asked. "Which, by the way, is three yards to the right of you, and a whole lot easier!"

She looked over at the gate as if seeing it for the first time, then looked back with an unreadable face. "What fun is _that_?" James then heard her mumble something along the lines of, 'don't even know why this dumb wall is here anyway… not like it's off grounds.' She sat on top of the vine- covered wall, one leg on each side. "Can I help you, Pot'er?"

"Er- Do you want to uh, got to hogsmade with me this weekend… -ish…?"

"Sure"

The remaining three boys exploded. "Jamesie and Lily sitting in a tree! K- I-"

"Oh, please!" Lily cried. She sat up straight, imitating professor Hobbs when he had something important to say, " Ahem… I think, therefore I am single!" she smiled and slid off the side of the wall while the boys laughed.

A few minutes later, a large gray owl came soaring down and landed, more or less, on Sirius' shoulder. It looked clearly tired and beaten as always.

"Letter not at breakfast means letter from home…" Sirius muttered in a sing- song voice. The boys were quiet as he read it. James was levitating dead leaves a couple feet off the ground, apparently in his own world. When Sirius finished, he stuffed the letter in his pocket with a casual face.

"What's up…?" Peter asked carefully.

"Nothing I didn't expect." He replied.

"Oi!" Cried James, "Who wants to go and get the squid to come up?"

The others persuaded him against it, and they headed up to the common room instead, where no one but James noticed a small, black box Sirius had brought out to place his letter in, then hide back in their room…

XXX

"We are supposed to meet everyone at the Three Broomsticks at two. That leaves us an hour to do whatever, and then half- an- hour because I need some more ink. Then we-"

"Lily, calm down."

"Yes, alright. So what do you want to do?"

Lily had always been amazed at how many little shops there were around Hogsmade that nobody ever noticed. Everyone was too busy being busy at Zonkos or the other main stores to see any of the smaller ones. Sometimes Lily thought that if someone were showed a blurred picture of a flower people would know what it was, but if they were shown a picture of a petal, they wouldn't have the slightest idea at what it was from.

"Oh, I don't know, Lily, what should we do?"

They were walking down the main, cobble-stoned road. It was crowded to the brim with Hogwarts students in robes, flowing both up and down the street, and in and out of shops. James had to hold onto Lily's shoulder as to be sure they didn't get separated. They made their way to the center of everything, and sat down of the edge of the fountain.

James had always considered awkward silences a moment for opportunity in a conversation. A time where you could observe what a person is like when they are not engaged in discussion, or a comfortable place to decide what to talk about next. This, however, was not comfortable.

"We could go over to the joke shop…"

He was quick to respond. " Nope, no way. Too many people. This crowd is more than enough for me."

"Oh, right. Okay." Lily had indirectly learned of James' claustrophobia through Remus, or maybe while James had mentioned it during a conversation with someone else. They had never talked forwardly about it. There had never been a need.

"I have an idea." James stood just in front of the fountain, and looked up.

Lily looked up to see as well, but found nothing. '_What is he doing_?' the red head thought, and stood next to him and looked at the sky again. After only a couple seconds of utter confusion, a small third year noticed them looking upward, also puzzled and bent his head back. JUST FOR A SECOND! But long enough. As the short kid in robes walked away nervously and clearly wondering why in gods name he had to be so stupid as to look up for, and what the hell was up there anyway, James and Lily doubled over in laughter. Then, gave the appropriate reaction to the sudden lack of tensity in their necks.

It is amazing, Lily observed, how many people did not even notice, much less stop to look up to see, what Lily and James were supposedly staring at. It reminded Lily of the sunset that people became far too busy to watch. It made her sad to realize that people are unable to notice a couple of people doing something out of the ordinary. What if their had been something spectacular in the sky, and people are moving at such a fast pace, or too embarrassed to lift their head to see?

After about another ten minutes of staring with various interchanging looks on their faces toward the sky, Jessica and Sirius walked by. Jessica took more than enough time to realize that they were staring at nothing in particular. Sirius simply shook his head, and escorted the confused Jessica away, leaving behind Lily and James who had exploded in laughter.

XXX

Sometime later they all met up at the three broomsticks as planned. When asked what they spent their time doing, a small smile was shared between the two, which was wildly taken in a different way.

"Wow, Lily. I had no- well, I can t say that, I did have some idea…" shrieked Alice.

Sirius merely shook his head again. " How many d'ya get?" he asked, referring to how many people they got to look up.

"Only eighty- one," James replied, massaging his neck.

Lily smiled. "You mean, eighty- two. You fooled me as well."

(DISCLAIMER: None of the character Jessica's brain cells were eliminated during the making of this chapter.)


	12. Chapter 12

Okay. You guys asked for it...

**_PLEASE_ PLEASE reveiw PLEASE! If you dont want to reveiw please just let me know what i need to do to GET reviews because i am throughly confused here!**

Thank you for your time.

**Chapter 12:**

**OWL SEASON!  
**

"O.W.L.'s!" cried professor Hobbs to a now startled class. "O.W.L.'s do not exist! The dread accompanied with the acronym is simply a state of mind that has become a trend with all of you though out the years. The O.W.L.'s as you believe them to be DO NOT EXIST! Now," he cleared his throat, "open your books to page eight hundred and fifteen. You will need to know its contents for your O.W.L.'s"

"But I thought you said O.W.L.'s don't-"

"Quiet, Black! Now, moving on…"

XXX

Lily could not help but feel betrayed after she found out she was a witch. After Petunia came home and had her fit, it occurred to Lily, that her aunt had been one as well. Suddenly, she did not want to be a witch anymore. '_Why didn't she just tell me? That way maybe I wouldn't have had to stop talking to her. I would have understood! She could have told my parents, too, instead of making them suffer._' It became clear to Lily that her parents had found out of her aunts powers after that awful, life- changing day. She knew her parents felt betrayed as well; they trusted someone who didn't trust them enough back to tell the truth.

The afternoon Petunia cam home and dramatically found ways to convince her parents that Lily was a freak was a turning point. Lily had been nothing but excited about being able to travel to a giant castle and perform magic, but soon after Petunia started to rain on her parade, her mind skipped to her aunt, and when she made the realization of what her aunt really was, her mind began to think things… '_Did auntie think we didn't lover her enough to still love her if she told us she was a witch? Or did she just not care for us enough to tell us? Did she not really even love me…?_'

Before going to her first year of Hogwarts, Lily came to a conclusion. She decided that this would never happen again. If she trust someone as close to her as her aunt, who would tuck her in bed when she spent the night, and made her brain go places it could never go on its own, and who, most importantly, defined her for ten years of her life, then who could she trust?

No one.

So, Lily suffered the shallow minds of Alice and Jessica each day, knowing she could live without them if need be. And she let down every boy who asked her out. And she fell asleep at night to her mothers voice saying '_Not all can be perfect_'.

Because she needed to accept that.

She needed to accept that her sister though what her sister thought, even if it didn't make her life perfect. Her aunt betrayed her and her family, and that killed Lily for over a year, and made it hard for her to get close to people, but, as her mother kept reminding her, '_not all can be perfect_.'

XXX

"So, please, do inform me of why, exactly, you all are being so stupid as to go out after dark?"

"We can't tell you. Evans. Just- it's real important, okay?"

"I'm sure," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Lily, please hold your right hand up and your other in this here book." Peter said.

"That's A History of Magic, so choose your words carefully," James said kiddingly. He stood behind the chair she sat in at the window, holding her down, as if she showed some desire to bolt up and leave at any moment. Besides them, the common room was empty. Remus lay with his eyes closed on the couch.

"Okay," started Peter. " Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole yadda yadda, and the yadda?"

"Sure," she replied.

"Alright, here it is," Sirius began, kneeling down in front of her. " We like you. You are a very bright person."

"Thank you. And if I wasn't under oath, I would return the complement."

"Okay Evans! This is kind of really a lot serious. We need a huge favor. Like prongs said, life or death!"

"Fine! What do you want?"

"We have some business to take care of off grounds, as you know. This," he spoke as if he was talking to a child, " is a _maaaaaaap_. See?" he opened it, " the little people move, and we watch them."

Lily stared at the map as if she really were a child. "Where did you get that?"

"We made it, thanks. Ah! No touchy… yet." Sirius set the map back down and went on again, "Now, we might be gone for a while. It's your job to cover for us."

"Oh no. I don't think so. No way-" she made to get up.

"We have permission from the headmaster!" cried James holding her down by the shoulders, "he knows what we are doing."

"What are you doing, exactly?"

"If you pass this test tonight, we just might tell you, okay? _And_you might get a good birthday present if you _promise_to do as we say." Sirius replied quickly.

"You have permission?" she repeated, trying to confirm.

"Yes," replied James assuring. "We are doing nothing wrong. You are just… an added… precaution. One we are very lucky to have."

Sirius went on, "if you see little footprints going that way," he pointed toward the whomping willow and then to the forest with his wand, "then you go get the headmaster, or even Dumble- what's- his- face, the second in line guy. Understood? Right away! Anyone, I mean, _anyone_! I don't care if its Barney the Purple Muggle bloody dinosaur. If anyone looks like they are even about to go that way, then go get someone."

"Alright! I get it!" she said. The boys got up to leave.

As they got to the door, James turned around and said, "We are _trusting_ you, Lily." The word made her flinch.

'_Me? Life or death? They are trusting that with me?_'

"Bye…" he said, and then they disappeared. Literally.


	13. Chapter 13

Lily POV-

Lily understood her responsibilities to the boys, but didn't feel the need to stay cooped up in the common room for the rest of the evening. She knew everyone else was at dinner, but didn't feel she could keep a good eye on the map with all the people in the main hall. She finally settled at the library. Maybe she could do a little studying for O.W.Ls in the meantime.**  
**  
She sat up camp at one of the many tables. All who were there were a group of Hufflepuffs in a far corner, and a Sytherin boy a little far off.  
She placed the map out all the way, 'like a good girl,' she heard Sirius say in her head. Then she wandered a little far down the aisle of books.

She didn't know a dark haired Slytherin boy was peering over tables at a certain map…

James POV-

It had been only almost an hour of running around in the forest that James received a nasty cut on his leg, and went back to the Shrieking Shack to take a rest. Remus seemed to lose more of himself every full moon, and it became increasingly harder for the boys to keep him even somewhat under control. James was trying to remember any spells that would help heal his wound.

Just as James was about to transform and make his was out into the woods yet again, he heard a noise from outside the tree… and again...

'No,' he thought, 'some body is here.' The noise came again. It resonated off the dirt walls of the entrance to the shack.

After it was all over, James claimed he could smell Snape coming before he saw him. Either way, he only had but moments to prepare. He grabbed his wand from the windowsill, all the while limping – the cause being his leg, bleeding yet again. He made his way out of the door, into the entrance connecting the shrieking shack to the Whomping Willow, where he made out the silhouette of a boy on the side of the dirt wall. It could only be Snape.

Snape seemed only too expectant to see James. James took on a calm voice, "You need to leave."

"There's no point in leaving now, Potter. You're already in trouble. Expelled for this, what do you think?" He said while looking around.

"That's right," James said. "I'm in trouble. Nearly as much as you'd be in if I told the Headmaster what you do to muggle-borns-- which I will if you don't leave. If you could just be a good boy and LEAVE, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, have a nice day." He pointed toward the exit.

"Not so fast, Potter. I want to see what you've got hidden down here." Snape made his way to pass James, whose leg was nearing unbearable.

"Stop, Serverus!" James yelled, followed by a few swear words. If he were to advance any further, Snape would surely find that the place led to the forest, where Remus, what with his state becoming worse and worse every time, would make sure to attack.

"Potter, if you don't move, I will not hesitate to hurt you." He said threateningly, as if looking for the opportunity to say such a thing.

It was enough for James. "Petrificus totalis!"

He missed. It was dark.

"Expellerimus!" Snape missed as well, and instead, hit a boulder forming part of the wall.

That was when James' world come crashing down. It was loud and over bearing. James had his hands over his ears. 'Just wait for it to stop,' he told himself, 'then there will be a way out.' It did stop, but the noise did not. He could still hear it; it was pounding in his brain and ears as if the walls were still coming down, if not, then louder. After a millennium of intense pain brought on by the un- subsiding chaos, the pain stopped. The pain stopped everywhere but his leg.

Snape was wide-eyed and speech-less. James cursed at him again. "Why do you have to be such a git? Such a good for nothing GIT! Such a pig, who only cares for himself? I hate you!" he cried. "The headmaster knew we were here!"

James was silent again. He closed his eyes. It was only when he opened them again did he realize how very small the place really was. ' Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.' He opened his eyes again, and dropped to the floor. He brought his knees up to his chest. He said calmly, "Is there any way out of here?" he heard the bustle of movement created by Snape.

' _I cannot believe my luck… I am stuck in a small confined space with my worst enemy. I want to die right now. I want to be dead._'

"No way out. Good job, Jamsie."

It was no time for him to argue. He was too busy with the mental image of the back field, with the tree and the lake and the open space and "What's your plan for getting out of this one, Jamsie?"

'_Shut up, Snape, shut up._'  
The walls were closing in slowly.

The grass, the sky, the space of the back field, the "So are you going to tell me what you and your gang of friends are doing down here?"

'_Oh, god, just stop talking_.'  
The ceiling was lowering.

The Main Hall! The high ceiling, the giant windows, the oh… the massive amount of food and the "Your little girlfriend let you down didn't she?"

Clam chowder.

"SHUT UP!" James lost all of his images. He felt the familiar pain balloon in his chest. His breathing deepened. The area was spinning. It was hard to breathe. He screamed and some of the rocks fell. He could feel, no, hear his hands trembling. "If you had gone into the forest…" his voice came out small, "you'd have…"

A serge of pain shot through his leg, and he passed out.

Lily POV-

He had been barely blinking in and out of consciousness all day. She knew skipping her classes would have an effect on her O.W.Ls, but she decided staying with James was more important. While waiting for him to wake, she stared out the window, and found herself thinking of her aunt. And in that, she found herself making comparisons between her aunt and herself. Then she got angry. She got angry at her aunt for leaving and betraying her, but in the back of her mind she recognized the person she was really angry at was herself.

James coughed himself awake. Lily handed his some water. He drank it, set it down, and then stared straight at her.

"James, I'm really sorry. I-" Lily blurted.

"I trusted you, Evans." …Evans… he had said it flat out. It nearly killed her. It was in that moment he spoke that she realized she couldn't justify herself. She knew the magnitude of what she had been trusted with. Trust—that word made her angry again. She had trusted and relied on her aunt, and her aunt and betrayed her. James and the boys had trusted and relied on her, and she betrayed them. Where did she go from here? She knew she wouldn't forgive her aunt if given the opportunity, she why should James forgive her?

"I'm very sorry, James." She said it sincerely, then left the hospital wing with tears flooding her eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

Normally, Lily would have been depressed if something along these lines had occurred. However, she found herself angry. It was her fault, and she knew it. There were a group of people willing to trust her with their lives, how could she have let them down? She kept telling herself that it was an accident; that she didn't mean for it to happen. But the thing that mad her so angry was that she thought James and the boys were different. She had gotten close to them, something she had promised her self she wouldn't to with anyone, for fear of being hurt again. But now she did the hurting, and she couldn't stand it.

She knew it was her fault. She was angry with her self… but it was so much easier to be angry with him…

James' attitude prior to their conversation at the hospital was downright sickening. It seemed as if every girl in the school would have given himtheir left leg to replace his injured one. James seemed mysteriously un-capableof re wrap his own bandage, letting the nearest attractive girl insist on doing it for him.

The night before the OWL for History, Lily intended to attempt to gather any useful information last- minute style. She placed her books on the small table with the wilting plant near the wall in the Gryffindor common room. An owl flew into the window and across the room where unfortunately the mauraders and half a dozen girls sat. She heard Sirius mutter as usual, 'A letter not at breakfast means a letter from home…'

"James, tell us what happened again, would you?" Asked a fourth year, thinking she had a chance.

"Well, since you guys like the story so much… It was getting later and later, but I knew I had to complete the task the headmaster appointed to me, I knew lives depended on it." He ruffled up his hair, "then, all of a sudden, a flying leriquis swooped do-"

"I thought you said it was a whirling jay dirby?" said a sixth year.

" Uhh, no, that was before. No, no it was definitely a flying leriquis… anyway, it swooped down and gashed my leg with such force, that it immediately died right after because of… erm, the intense friction!"

Remus and Peter tried to stifle their laughs. The girls ate it right up.

"I was almost back on track with my quest, when Snape showed up--"

"Oh, I bet you hexed him like crazy, James. You're so tough."

"Just for you, sweets." Lily's quill tip broke. '_Due to the intense friction…_' She thought.

James went on, " Snape was mental. He was foaming out the mouth and blubbering things…"

He went on vividly describing to the eyelash flittering girls what his brain told him had happened that night, while Sirius opened his letter from home.

In that very instance, James and Sirius were two completely opposite people they resided on the extreme sides of the spectrum. James was faking emotions for reasons Lily could not deem justifiable. Sirius however, clearly showed deep emotions that no being could ever create or imitate by any means, simply because of what was written in his letter.

"James, how is it you manage to be so cool?"

"Oh, you know that I'm only trying to impress you." Lily was sure he had made eye contact with her. Just for a second.

Lily had enough. The only studying getting done here wasby the flock of unicellular teenage girls studying Potter's every move.

XXX

Lily meant to enjoy her afternoon after her History exam on the backfield near the lake. However, it seemed as if everyone else was enjoying something going on near the tree.

She stood watching furious from the sidelines for what seemed to be like hours before she remembered something. The Potter Policy…

XXX

The missed classes provided plenty of time for James to think. It was then did he realize that he was using his brain even more so than if he had been in class. Funny how that worked. Funny how he actually thought more there than in the place where the Wizarding Society had set up for one to think and learn things…

It was funny how little James asked 'Why' in any of his classes. Maybe he would understand some subjects a lot better if he asked the question more often. "_Why is the only question worth asking_," he remembered Lily saying. After Lily had walked out of the hospital wing, it painfully occurred to him that it was going to be a quickly less commonly asked question. Lily was the only person practically willing to allow 'why's', and was the main thing he asked in conversations with her, although, in his head, a plethora of other questions accumulated.

The main one being, " why don't you see it?"

He had a feeling he wouldn't be seeing much of her from now on.

After all of his thinking in the hospital wing he realized it was his fault, he just wished he had been able to tell her when she was there:

He had asked her to do something, without letter her ask 'Why'.

LILY POV  
James was picking on the Slytherin boy again. Lily didn't understand his fascination with both himself and this, although greasy, poor kid.

"Leave him ALONE!" she cried, sounding demanding.

"All right, Evans?"

Who was he kidding? Although… to be called Evans again, a term she was only referred to when in a debate with him, itresurfaced the high she used to receive very often when she was in an argument. It was surprisingly… nice…

"Leave him alone," she repeated. She had to remember – he lies, he stretches the truth, he's a PIG! "What's he done to you?"

"Well," he held his hand up to his chin as if to think on the question, "It's actually more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

A disgusting wave of laughter made its way across the crowd. _It's all about the attention. That's all it's about, the attention and the girls who happen to be in the vicinity, that's all_. "You think your funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter!" she said his name with such force, she could feel her throat strain. "Leave him alone."

JAMES POV:

Five minutes ago, this was going to be revenge on Snape. Now, it was his only excuse to talk to Lily. All of his attention was on her. Who Snape was or even what year it currently was took back seat in his brain. His only goal was to keep power with her – to make sure she stayed, just she he could hear her voice…

Then he realized what he was doing. If he just said it, just asked, maybe things would be better. It would be his way of apologizing, even. And then they could go back to how things were. " I will if you go out with me, Evans." It almost hurt to call her Evans in a situation like this. "Go on… go out with me," _please,_ "and I'll never lay a hand on old Snivelly again." Although, Snape seemed to be vaguely distant. But it was perfect, he still had the power. It was a compromise almost, and hestill seemed confident, as if he didn't care.

She took it in, only somewhat confused. "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!"

"Bad luck, Prongs," he heard Sirius say. "OY!"

James turned to have the tip of Snape's wand to close for liking. A blinding flash. Pain below his right eye. James went to grab his wand, trying to ignore the blood. Another flash. Snape was upside down, his robes over his head to reveal his skinny, pallid legs… and a pair of graying underpants.

James smiled at the pleasing cheers from the crowd.

LILY POV:

_Could this get any more difficult?_ She thought, "Let him down!"

"Certainly," James said. She could see and sense his attention switch from the Slytherin, back to her. He flicked his wand upward, and the boy collapsed to the ground.

Sirius picked up where James left off. "Locomoter mortis!" The boy went stiff.

_This is getting frustrating… pathetic… most of all… tiring…_ Lily thought.  
She pulled out her wand, promising herself she wouldn't be hesitant, and she wouldnt be hesitant likeshewas before in the Great Hall"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you…"

"Take the curse off him then!" _Just stop… please stop…_

JAMES POV:

James had won, he knew it. He had achieved his goals, and at the same time, too. He had, for the most part, gotten revenge on Snape, and he had the power with Lily. He had said exactly the right things, done exactly the right things to keep her here, even if she said she wouldn't go out with him, he had won the game. He muttered the counter curse. "There you go…. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus--"

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" Snape spat it out as if he was waiting for the opportunity to say it. It left everyone in shock.

"Fine," she said with amazing confidence. "I wont bother in the future. And I wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

_How dare he…_ "Appologize to Evans!" He roared, wand out and pointed again. It was a different game now.

"I don't want you to make him apologize, " she said. "You're just as bad as he is!"

"What?" he yelped, confused. "I would never call you a-- a you-know-what!" _Why would she even think that?_

Whatever it was he said wrong made her furious.

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your brookstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – im surprised your broomstick can even get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!" she turned on her heal and hurried away.

"Evans! Hey, EVANS!


	15. Chapter 15

James slammed the door of his dormitory and jumped onto his bed. He hit the bed frame with his leg and cringed in pain. After it subsided, James simply laid on his back, staring at the grooves in the ceiling. About ten minutes after such exciting activity, Sirius came through the door and plopped down next to James just as he did.

"Girls, who needs him, eh?" Sirius mumbled.

…After about ten minutes, James got up to open the window….

…After about another ten minutes, Sirius was asleep…

James thought about the dozens of girlfriends Sirius had gone out with. And about the dozens of girls Sirius could go out with. James didn't want dozens -- he only wanted one.

However, James had a feeling that his best friend was going through problems of his own. And he also had a feeling that those problems were represented by a certain black box holding certain Black letters. _What could possibly be in that stupid box and stupid letters that could make him so sad at times?_ James rolled off the bed, careful not to disturb the slumbering Sirius who had currently taken up possession of most of James' bed, and went over to Sirius' part of the room.

He found it hidden in a drawer. Sirius wouldn't even know. Even if he did, they were best friends, if anyone, he should have a right to know… he fingered the hinges, trying to estimate how loud they would creak. He figured it was worth the risk.

The hinges gave only an infinitesimal 'squitch' while being opened that allowed James to exhale. Folded pieces of scrappy and pathetic looking parchment were released of their tension as they popped out like an unenthusiastic Jack-in-the-box. There must have been fifty… maybe more of them.

He picked up the ones that scattered on the floor and carried the box to the window seat.

_'Dear Son, _

Regulus wrote us today. He has officially dedicated himself to becoming a death eater. We hope you choose the same path for your life.'

_'Dear Son, _

We have succeeded in disposing of another twelve people the world does not have room for…'

James had spent so much time with Lily he could predetermine what she would say if she read this letter…

"Twelve! That's a lot of people! If each of those twelve people knew… twenty people, that means… 240 people would be effected… that's a lot of people…" she would say..

James and Lily had plenty of conversations about death.

"People don't understand what death really means, I think, James…" she had said one day in between classes, " its not like you can die, and then come back to school the next day and tell all of your friends about it. It doesn't work that way. People, even I, don't understand the magnitude of death. It's a devastating thing. Even if we are so used to, by now, seeing 'Dozens Dead!' in headlines, and we roll over it like no big deal, once you think about it, one death is a huge deal!"

"You speak of it as if you would know." He replied.

"In a way… I do…" she had said.

The next letter.  
_  
'Sirius- _

the dark lord has saved us places in the world in the world for when he rules…'

' Dear son,

The dark mark could be seen for miles last night. Such a beautiful sight… too bad those we killed could not see what signified their deaths so spectacularly…'

_'Dearest son, _

The dark lord is gaining power by the moment. We beg your involvement…'

_'Sirius- _

We succeeded in brutally killing up to 47 Aurors last night…'

FOURTY- SEVEN AURORS! When was this written? When was the last time I heard from my parents?' His brain demanded things. His body demanded things. His hands moved faster than he could control. The letter said it was sent in the month of February. Long past. His eyes skimmed the letters that now skimmed the areas around him. How many of them spoke of happiness over killing people? Muggles, witches and wizards… Aurors. He couldn't read anymore.

" I knew I should've just thrown those letters away." James spun around. Sirius was sitting up rubbing his eyes as if to rub away the darkness of sleep. "But you know, I kind of like the idea of having more useless paper in one place than a history text book." James was speechless, but Sirius couldn't tell, as because he just kept on talking. "Kind of sucks, don't it? Well, it's okay I'm mostly used to it. Just have to think how much more t sucks for those who die. There are, and are going to be, way much more of them then there are of me…. how long was I sleeping for, d'ya think? They didn't have the end- of- owls party with out me, did they?" He hopped over the bed and looked out the window.

_'How could he be thinking of parties?' _

"Why didn't you tell me?" James blurted out. "I mean, I guess I had some vague idea, but… but Sirius we're best friends--"

" Which is why I didn't tell you!" he interrupted. He was on his knees, picking up the thrown scraps of parchment off the floor. James was doing his best to quite his breathing so as to hear every word of what Sirius was saying. "I thought maybe it would be a wee bit awkward being on such different sides of the spectrum. What with our parents wanting to kill each other and all." He had placed the box back in its hiding place and was putting on his jacket. " I mean, don't get me wrong, Prongs, I don't want to kill your parents, but I can name a bunch of psycho's who do." he turned to face his friend, and clearly saw a disturbed look on his face. " Oh, geeze, don't worry. I don't need my parents. I don't rely on them at all. I'm fine! I'm going go and help set up for the party, okay?"

And with that, he walked out the door.

James crawled back into his bed, and then into it. He stayed as the sounds of the party reached its peak, and then died away. He stayed while pretending to be asleep as Peter and Remus and at last Sirius got into bed. He stayed as they all fell asleep.

And he didn't stop staying.


	16. Chapter 16

Hey, sorry to interrupt the story, but its only for a sec.

The story is almost over, and I just wanted to see if I could get some recognition of human life forms out there. (If you're not human- that's okay too). So if you are reading this right now, and have a spare sec, conjure up something you could send me in a review. It can be "Your story sucks!" I don't really care. Just so long as its something.

Its been … seven chapters since I've gotten I review. It's pathetic, I know. I see the numbers. I know that people out there are actually opening the document. But the reason why I posted it here was to get some feedback and maybe learn from the experience. But if you cant contribute to that, please just contribute to my sanity D and send me anything!

So, as I hope you can clearly see…. IM DESPERATE! My goal is to get one more review before the story ends. (Gosh is it really that bad?) But I suppose I should be just thankful that it seems like people are reading it.

Thanks.

-Peasblossom.


	17. Chapter 17

"...hasn't left his bed in ten days..."  
A pang of guilt.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing the OWL's are over, then."

"…six detentions…"  
Indifference.

"Isn't that a good news for him?" She started putting her books back on the shelves.

"Alright, look sweets, I didn't just walk into _a library _to walk out empty handed, savvy? Please!" Sirius begged.

"I hardly see what this has to do with me…"

"What do you suggest we do?"

"Not my fault he made a complete fool of himself…Let him wallow in his self pity. Maybe he'll rot and make a sufficient science experiment." She started making her way toward the door.

"You don't think that's crossed my mind already!" exclaimed Sirius a little too loudly. The librarian was staring.

"Sirius, you are being too loud and too demanding. If I were to for some reason decide to climb under my imaginary a rock for the rest of eternity like he has, he would be the last person I wanted to talk to, and I'm sure that's the same for him."

The librarian was making her infamous librarian noises to indicate that there was something going on she didn't approve of; noises that consisted of finger tapping and a long series of 'ahem-ing'.

Lily went to leave with Sirius close behind.

"Lily, I think the reason he is depressed is because you turned him down the other day… quite publicly if you recall."

"_Turned him down_? There was nothing to _turn down_," she said slightly confused. "That was just his way of getting attention. Making him look better after looking like a jerk in front of everyone." They were now stationed just outside the library.

"No, Lily," Sirius was using a kind voice to explain, "_That _was his way of pretending like it didn't matter. Like he didn't care if you said yes or not by throwing it out there like that. But it does matter to him! He hasn't left his room Lily! He has hardly talked to anyone… you know he's not like that."

"He hasn't talked to _anyone_?" she asked as if to be reassured.  
"Well, there was this one time a couple days ago when in asking if he was alright he informed me that the giant squid took his blanket away and no body could get it back but the giant dancing pretzel sticks…" She gave him a weird look. "Please, Lily. He needs something."

And there it was again. The look that she saw on his face that one morning at breakfast- the look that reminded her of her own loss. She thought of the death of her aunt, both metaphorical and physical. She finally saw that Sirius was afraid of the death of James.  
She nodded. "Okay," and they headed up toward the common room.

For the past week, James was haunted day and night by the fact that his parents could die any second, by the fact that he might never see them again.  
'_Are they crazy?_' He thought, '_do they know what they are doing?'_

And now James didn't even know what he was doing anymore. For as long as he could remember he wanted to be an Auror, but now he finally knew what that entailed. He didn't feel like he could leave his room, because even if he did, he wouldn't be leaving the awful things that were happening. People were actually killing hundreds of people, and justifying it. He couldn't escape the pain his best friend went through, the pain his own parents put him through. And he couldn't get away from the fact that his parents could die, at any given place, any given time. 

He felt as if something bigger than he was, something he couldn't see completely, was taking away what he knew; his comfort. Like a greater power, larger than life led him to where his is now. Led him to realize what life was really about. That life was just a circle that no matter where it started, ended in death.

So what was the point of getting out of bed?

So he stayed…

Lily knocked.

No answer.

She turned to look at Sirius.

He shrugged. "What do you expect him to do? Invite you in for a tea party? He's depressed for god's sake. Just go in." He made his way down the stairs, "I'll be in the common room."

…and he was, for all of about two minutes, which was about how long it took Lily to run back down the stairs with wide-eyes and in an urgent tone of voice saying:

"_He's. Not. There._

Remus and Sirius were running around the dormitory frantically while Peter and Lily stood awkwardly in the corner with wide eyes. Through the window behind them the sky was turning different shades of pink and purple and the moon could already be seen.

"… the cloak is gone…"  
"… where did you put the map?…  
"… I don't think he's in the room…"  
'_Of course he's not in the room! How could he be?'_

"… well if we had the map, we would know, wouldn't we Sirius?"  
"It's where it always is, Remus!" Cried Sirius, still rummaging hurriedly around the room.  
"Black! I am _not_ going in you underwear drawer!"  
Sirius paused long enough to raise his wand and yell, "Accio Map!"  
The drawer of Sirius' bureau thrust open and the map, as well as a few pairs of underwear, flew out. Remus grabbed the map and spread it out on the bed.

None of it made sense to Lily. James was not one to just run away. Then again, he wasn't one to lock himself in his room for days on end.

What made him this way, then? What was he hiding from? Surely it couldn't be because of their argument the other day. They have had plenty of fights, good and bad, but he never reacted this way. She convinced herself there was no difference between the argument at hand and the arguments before.

And why had he been talking such nonsense? 'The giant squid had taken his blanket?' For as long as she could remember, no matter what James said, it had depth to it. He wouldn't just randomly say something like that. Unless… he didn't.

"He's at the lake!" She blurted. Sirius and Remus looked up at her in surprise. "Look! Check! See if he's there!" She demanded as she grabbed her coat. 

"Your right. The north side! How did you know?" But it was too late. Lily was out the door already.

The boys followed. But Lily had been stopped at the door, and the slow- reacting boys behind created a very near domino effect. She was stopped by Professor Hobbs in the door frame. "Err- excuse me, professor." She urged.

"I'm sorry, but there has been an emergency meeting called in the great hall. Everyone needs to come... there has been a disaster..."

Lily looked from her professor to the boys. She saw the look in their eyes and knew James was more important.

"Um, yes, professor. I'll be right there, I just- erm... need to go to the bathroom first." she nodded trying to convince.

"Mrs. Evans, I suggest you take the quickest pee of your life." The uptight professor   
with his proper voice saying such a thing almost made Lily laugh. But she decided to save it for later and with a look at the boys she was off to the north side of the Great Lake.

Lily arrived on the hill where James was staring into the lake about right when the sky was turning dark. She sat next to him, saying nothing. 

… and they stayed.

"Lily, have you ever seen the Giant Squid? I mean, all of him?" His voice was nothing but a whisper.

"No, James. I haven't."

"Isn't it funny how we are so small in comparison? I mean, what is just one of us compared to something as big as him? Something we can't even see all of…"

"Yes, I suppose that is funny."

"Do you ever feel, Lily," he asked, still barely managing a whisper, " like something bigger than you has taken something you need. Something you need to feel safe? Like… your blanket. But then you realize why should they care, because they are so much bigger than you, in a lot of ways, and you're just… nothing?"

She nodded. "You have no idea"

"No, I have a great idea. My parents could die, Lily. If I don't have my parents, then I will die. Inside. And Sirius, he doesn't have his parents. Is he dead inside?"

Lily wasn't sure how to answer. "I- I'm sure Sirius is fine, James. He's just worried about you at the moment, I think."

"Yeah…"

…and they stayed a while longer…

" James… death is… well, a part of live we have to accept." '_Hypocrite._'

"It's hard. It's really hard… but… why? Why do we have to die?"

"James, it's one of those things you can't question. One of those things where you can't ask why."

He looked shocked. "No!" He stood up, "Don't tell me I can't question it. Of all people, you can't tell me that!"

"I'm sorry, James!"

"NO! Why won't you tell me why? TELL ME WHY!" There were tears in his eyes and he was shaking.

"I don't know!"

"I always felt I could ask why with you! There was no body else but you! I never could, but then I met you, can now I can! And now when it really matters I can't anymore?" it was like he couldn't stand being still, yet he remained in the same place.

"James, I'm sorry. Sit. Calm down!" She demanded. "You can ask me why! But I DON"T KNOW EVERYTHING! You're right! That is what our friendship is based on. That is what everything is based on! It's the most important question in the universe! It's the only way to get answers. Unfortunately, sometimes, there are more questions than answers out there. That means there are questions without answers attached to follow. 'Why death?' is one of them. Death is something we don't understand. Maybe we are not meant to. And it is not something we can defy. Not yet. And not on our own."

James sat, whispering again, wiping tears from his eyes. "Lily. I'm sorry."

The moon was full in the sky and the air was cold. "And you know James, Death is inevitable, so it's best to do what you can with life while you have it."

"Yes, Lily, I know… Lily? What I said the other day? I meant it. It might not have sounded like it, but, I will stop if you go out with me. I'll stop being depressed, more than likely…"

She smiled. There was no question in her mind. He was perfect for her and she knew it. And right there, in that instance, everything was perfect.

And then she realized - that's what was wrong. It was perfect. Her mothers voice rang through her ears, '_Not everything can be a fairy tale Lily, nobody is perfect._' She backed away. She just knew something had to be wrong. She might not be able to see it yet, but it was too good to be true. Anyway, she knew what would happen. She would become too reliant on him. And he would leave her, one way or another. And then she would be left, hurt, just like how she was with her aunt. It was so perfect that it wasn't perfect.

"James, I'm sorry…" She whispered. And then ran…


	18. Chapter 18

Minutes later Lily ran in through the giant double doors with tears streaming down her face. She ran up flights of stairs and was half way to the common room before she collapsed in sobs.

Then, as if from another world came an, "Ahhh, Miss Evans!" she looked up to see the tall, thin, gray haired man standing a few steps above her. Dumbledore. He knelt down. "The headmaster would like to see you in his office."

She walked as a girl condemned up another flight of stairs, and up a revolving flight of stairs to the headmasters office, filled with shiny gadgets and opalescent figures.

"Have a seat, Miss Evans," and as she sat she found it odd that that Dumbledore did as well, just on the other side of the desk, where the headmaster was supposed to sit. She tried to hold back tears as she asked, "Where's the headmaster?"

He ignored the question.

"It has come to my attention that you were absent from the school wide meeting this evening."

"I- I'm sorry."

He stared at her from a moment. And then, out of nowhere, exclaimed, "Ah, no matter. I wished to talk to you separately anyhow."

"Where is the headmaster?" She attempted again.

He sighed, " I'm sorry to tell you this, Lily, but your previous headmaster has suffered a death concerning matters of the dark arts. He crossed paths with a very serious death eater." I am now Hogwarts' new headmaster…"

Lily lowered her head and the tears came again. The timing. Awful timing.

"Death is something you have to accept, Lily. He died for a good cause."  
She nodded.  
And then, again, quite suddenly, " Now, on to happier news! I hear it is your birthday soon…?"  
She nodded, "Next week."

"Well, I see no reason why I cant give you your present a week early… mind you, the wrapping was not done by me. I, personally, would have gone with a nice green color… but, none the less, here you are." He had handed her a square package, wrapped in brown paper from the drawer of his desk. Her tears fell from her face onto it, making spots and splotches of darker brown. Lily smelt the vague scent of vanilla as she examined it, and as she opened it, wondered why the new headmaster was giving her a birthday present.

She opened it to find a very old, very rattled book. The Little Prince. She looked up at Dumbledore, amazed.

"I do believe there is a note inside…" he said.

She opened it to find that not only was it the same book from her aunts library, the one she read so many times that the pages were worn and dog- eared, but also a log message on the inside front cover. She couldn't help but read the long and spidery hand writing right then.

_'Dear Lily,  
This has been saved to give you on your sixteenth birthday. I hope now you will be able to fully comprehend what it entails, now that you have time to experience more of the world!  
I want you to know that I love you. I also wanted to tell you, as I'm sure you have figured out by now, I am a witch. The frightening thing you found in my broom closet was a bogart, a common thing in the wizarding world. But what am I talking about? I am sure you are apart of that world now. You are a witch, Lily. I could feel it from the day I met you.  
I am also an Auror, Lily. I do my best to fight against dark magic. I wanted to tell you, but simply spending so much time together as we did was too dangerous. Your mother was right in separating us. But I never stopped loving you. Now I realize that whatever else I could have been doing was "nothing of any consequence" compared to being with you. _

From,  
Your loving Aunt.'

Lily did her best to wipe away her tears.

"Your aunt was a very good friend of mine," said Dumbledore, "… she was also a very good person."

"I'm okay now you guys. Truly honestly, completely. I swear."

"Do you solemnly swear?"

James laughed, " Yes."

"What are you doing?" Remus asked. They were sitting alone in their dormitory in their pajama's, half asleep, only forcing their eye lids open because James was finally talking and making sense at the same time.

"Writing home," he replied. "You guys need to get some sleep, everything's fine."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked while yawning.

"Yes! Why? Do you want me to sing me a lullaby? Is that it? Well, if you insist." James went about singing the Hogwart's school theme song to the tune of his friends even louder 'no's and wails.

In an instant, Lily burst though the door, clearly upset, tears down her face. "James, the Headmaster, he - he's-"

He was up off his bed in the next instant. "It's okay Lily. I know. It's okay. I'm okay with it now!"

"But- but, oh, god James, I'm so sorry for running off like that. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I understand."

"No, it's not! I ran because I thought- I thought – but no, she really did love me!…"

She wasn't making sense anymore, but he just had to say it, "Lily, _I_ love you."

She raised her head.  
The other boys were speechless.  
And after a few agonizing seconds, no, a lifetime.  
She smiled.  
And a wave of relief blew over James.  
They fell into a hug.  
And they stayed.


End file.
